Oh Lordy! Here comes 40!

Before 2011 ends, I will turn 40.  40! Halfway to 80 and a generation ahead of 20.  For the first time, I am realizing just how much of an adult I have become and yet I don't feel like the near-40 that I envisioned when I was younger.  Twenty years ago, I thought of 40 as being "old".  And by "old", I mean people who sit around talking about things they heard on NPR and worrying about mortgages and retirement and whether their children are getting a good education.  And by that definition, I guess I really am old.  Or maybe it's that I am an adult which at 20 was the same as being old. Yet as I approach the doorstep of a new decade, it's hard to imagine that I somehow let go of my youth and I refuse to admit to myself that maybe I'm not as young as I once was, or as young as I feel or want to be.  I remember when I was 12 and my mother turned 40.  Her friends threw her a huge surprise party and in my 12-year old mind, it never occurred to me that someday I would turn 40, too.  And maybe that's how all children are - disconnected with the concept of aging as if it's something that would surely never happen to them --  like being hit by a meteor.  When you're 12, 40 is light years away.  And yet, 28 years later, here I am looking 40 square in the eye.

I won't lie - I am sad to bid farewell to my 30s.  It's been a great decade and at the risk of sounding cliche, it's been life changing.  Ten years ago, I was planning my wedding and two months before I turned 30, Brian and I got married and jet-setted to Thailand for our honeymoon.  It was a grand entrance into my new milestone and I was excited by the prospects of this new decade, which have proven not to disappoint.  My 30s have been some of the best years of my life, but also the hardest.  If anything throws you into adulthood both quickly and suddenly, it is that of becoming a mother.  Growing a human being in your body and then very painfully extracting that human from your body is life changing no matter how you look at it.  And that's not even the hardest part.  If I've learned anything in my 30s, it's that having children changes everything.  Your life is no longer just yours.  Your time is dictated by these tiny little people whose needs interrupt your sleep or keep you up all night.  And these little people become your appendages wherever you go -- even the bathroom.  But I would not have wanted to spend my 30s in any other way.

There's so much I am thankful for as I embrace these last months of being 39. I am married to this amazing man who's equally devoted to raising our children, and who listens to my obsessions and has the most keen insight of any person I know.  He looks out for me and encourages me to take time for myself when I've spent many hours with two kids who've turned my hair gray and fried my nerves. And when the kids are in bed, we eat Ben and Jerry's together while watching Friday Night Lights and on occasion he will look over at me, smile tenderly and stroke my arm when some heartfelt scene brings tears to my eyes.  And while there is not a lot of glamour to schlepping kids to school and karate, or sitting at home on a Friday night watching TV with your spouse, there is a hell of a lot of satisfaction.

Now that I have nearly four decades behind me, I can say that I don't really feel old, but maybe just old-er.  The hair on my head no longer grows the black shade it grew 20 years ago and the body I once had no longer tolerates the calories and late-night meals it once did.  I miss that, but being old-er has given me a lot of wonderful lessons that being younger just didn't afford.  It's nice not to be held captive by my teenage insecurities, or the self-consciousness of my 20s. Being married and having kids has taught me invaluable lessons about compromise and the occasional sacrifice, and also about the richness and beauty of unconditional love.  I've learned that life is too short to be in toxic relationships and that the best relationships are the ones that repel high maintenance and drama - if being married or being friends with someone takes a lot of energy and work just to keep it above water, why bother?  I've learned that laughing is good therapy - as is Ben and Jerry's Dublin Mudslide.  I've learned that it is a blessing to have family nearby when you have children, and it is sad when they move away.  I've learned that even without taking classes, I can still learn new things like knitting or how to play Pachelbel's Canon on the piano. And I've learned that if I want to feel younger, I can turn on some hip-hop music or watch an hour or two of MTV and feel both envious and relieved that I'm no longer in that place.

So here's to 40! I will continue to feel sentimental about my 30s for the next few months, but come December I will greet 40 with the optimism it deserves.  Good, bad, or otherwise, aging happens to us all whether we like it or not.  So I will embrace it.  And if all else fails, I'll grab some Ben and Jerry's.